Why do I only seem to be able to channel love through pain? I woke up sad again, but so exhausted of it. I want to let go of what is not here anymore and still I’m scared to do it.
I have people in my life that care for me very much, but for some reason never in a complete way. I met a person who stirred up that part that always felt left behind, the creative one, the full-of-potential one, the Sacral Chakra I suppose. It was a very brief meeting, but it contained a spiritual awakening so powerful for both of us that still makes me feel astonished.
Now that he’s moved on on his way, how do I keep stirring up that part of myself, that creative, fertile kind of love who’s been turned on? How will I be able to keep it up when I let go of the connection that created it in the first place? What if I stop crying?
I asked advice to Medicine Animals Oracle and this was my answer for the day:
Be patient, endure the pain as love will always come at the right time. Have compassion, as transmutation into fire is hard, but it also makes you one with the Universe. Enjoy the ride.
I tried, I really did. Went out walking, first down the Royal Mile and then up through Regent’s Terrace Park, smelling the strong sweet scent of flowers and wet soil. I sat on a bench for a while, 2 crows came to watch me, curious. I tried to read a bit but the sadness was like a strong river the whole time. I got exasperated of it, I started walking again, went to the Meadows park, took a coffee and lied in the grass, under the sun, warming up and daydreaming the whole time. It’s wrong, I kept repeating myself, it’s stupid, just move on, already! My emotions are out of control, no matter what I think they will just change suddenly and for no logic reason. And this is HOW it should be. Control is an illusion.
After an hour of this, in the grass, I just suddenly felt relief, and the pain stopped. I think it’s the empathic connection acting up, and all these feelings are not entirely mine. As soon as I feel connected, I also feel at peace.
I came back and re-read all the posts I’ve written so far and how the Challenge is changing me. I read again what I wrote on Day 21:
A broken heart is a brave one […] Don’t fall in the trap of self-pity.
I gave myself directions days ago, and I let all this pain overflow and put me right in that trap! I will try to correct this and see if drawing will come along.
In the meantime I had the most satisfying meditation in a week. I started trying Om chanting and harmonics, almost aggressively, to force myself back into my body. I felt the vibrations slowly loosening up my chest, then up the throat and the cheeks, and expanding finally to my hands and to my legs. I stopped chanting and progressively enjoyed my neck and shoulders finally relaxing and felt my whole body tingling with Chi. I saw my Kundalini rising up, my solar plexus strong and protective creating a shell of light around me, my Heart Chakra opening up and showing galaxies of pink and blue and green energy. The alarm of the 30 minutes went off and I slowly had to get back into my body. I hated that it happened so soon.
The pain in my chest is gone, but the parts between my heart and my throat are kind of burning now.
Remembering how to be brave.
