I feel so much cynicism and frustration today. I feel like nothing of what I felt and did so far is real. I feel disconnected again. My heart is empty and I see myself from outside and I don’t know who this person is.
Today Susana came to visit me and said that “things are moving”. Why do I have the feeling, though, that everything is just a big joke moving in circles? Why does it look like everyone is moving on and forward and me, I keep having the same things happening around everyday? Did I not change enough, did I not do enough, did I not put enough effort? The image I have of me is unreal. I thought I understood a little bit more who I was and now I think I’m a fool. Of course the fact that I’ve been working 14 hours doesn’t help. The fact that my conscious walk wasn’t successful, either. The fact that in the little free time I had, I only managed to meet my ex-boyfriend who in some moments still acts like we are together, and it makes me feel trapped in a loop that I can’t escape from.
I had 15 minutes meditation in the park though, which were real good. I felt in contact with the world around and poised and relaxed. I tried again tonight and I wasn’t able to. I only slept 2hours last night, and I’m delusional. I need to sleep as I will have to wake up early to work. Again.
Trapped and disconnected
