I continue to purge internal rage, I am angry and hurt with life, a part of me is claiming the attention of my mind. I’m still surfing the wave a little without knowing what current it’s coming from, but I’m getting by.
I feel that I see everything with perspective, but intensely, really. Previously I could detach myself from situations, contemplate them as an observer. Since I started the challenge it is more natural for me to relate to others, I flow more. But I think I also retain and am more susceptible to others.
A part of me is very proud of myself, there was a moment in my life when I “anesthetized” my mind… and when I realized there was a lot of mental work to be done, and I have done it, I feel open again, happy to be who I am and to share myself.
And whoever doesn’t like it, can go to feck!.
Today I felt very dark, chaotic. When I left work I made my conscious walk. I wanted to improvise and go through some forest on the slope of Calton Hill. It was closed because they were filming Fast & Furious the usual entrance. As I improvised the road I saw that there was easy access to the hillside from its base. It seemed that the road was there to have a little adventure and make time for the 30 minutes to arrive.
I climbed the hillside. My attention was on the body, feeling like moving to do my best and not falling down the slope. I loved it, I felt alive and I felt alive again. I’ve been thinking a lot about lavender lately, not that I’ve seen flowers… but I’ve been keeping it in mind, with flashes.
Meditation has been full of thoughts and sometimes it was hard not to get tangled up with them… but taking perspective becomes easier; it’s just a step back and you realize that it was just an abstract thought that doesn’t have to be real.
